There's No Such Thing as Divine Indifference

This is going to be the hard post. This is the post I've needed to write for awhile and haven't been able to. My mom reminded me that I need to be writing things down so that I have them recorded later, but I didn't really want to have this experience recorded for later. But, not writing it down isn't going to change it or make it go away.

A little over a month ago, my sweet baby cousin Duncan ended his fight with a rare and serious form of brain tumor. He had been fighting for so long, but nothing worked - the cancer in his brain was too strong and God needed his pure spirit to return home. This would have been a devastating loss no matter what my connection to the story, but I purposefully put myself in a position where more pain was inevitable.

In the summer of 2012 and just after graduating from High School, I went to Georgia for a little over a week to get away from some of the stresses at home and to help my aunt Shauna with her kids. Duncan was only about three months old then, and I fell in love with him immediately. I spent the majority of my visit holding that sweet baby. In December of the same year, Shauna came to Nauvoo for my brother Andrew's wedding, and brought Duncan with her. I played with him while the endowed were in the temple, and Duncan became my number one dance partner of choice at the reception.

A cute picture of Duncan playing in the temple visitor's center became my phone background, and I referred to him as "cutest baby of all babies". It was while Shauna was staying with my family in Utah while attending Women's Conference at BYU that Duncan was diagnosed with pineoblastoma.

Following that was one of the hardest few week periods I have ever faced. It was within about a week after that my mom found out she had breast cancer, and I was just about ready to find the physical personification of cancer and punch it in the face. Probably really hard.

Instead I shuffled about my summer plans and went to July for a month. It was probably the most educating month of  my life. Shauna was gone for the majority of the time, in the hospital with Duncan, and AJ was incredibly awesome and helpful while still needing to work. I loved spending all the time I could with the girls, even if there were days that I only all the way remembered that I loved them once they were all in bed.

Despite the horrible backdrop of Duncan's illness to this experience, that time I got to spend with their family, and the ways I was able to learn and grow myself is something I would never trade.

Duncan held on for a long time, but eventually his spirit needed to go home. Trenton and I had just finished meeting with a wedding planner to go over details of our reception and I was feeling excited and giddy when I found out that Duncan was gone. The rest of the night was rough. The rest of the week was rough. Not being able to go to the funeral because the days keep passing and school keeps going was tough. I wanted everything to pause. I wanted most things to go away.

But never once did I feel angry. Heartbroken, absolutely. But resentful? Mad? No.

In studying for my New Testament final last night I came across a quote by Neal A. Maxwell that I never want to forget. The whole thing was about trial, and how we can learn to be of good cheer even "amid dark difficulties". Heavenly Father has a plan for us. He has a plan for me, and for Duncan, and for his whole family.  The end of the quote said, "God gives us [trials] because He loves us. These learning experiences must not be misread as divine indifference."

He knows it's hard, and it is hard, but we are not facing it alone. Nor are we at the hands of a cold, impersonal God who doesn't feel influenced by what happens to us. He loves us. Life is hard, every single day. There are tragedies and traumas and irritants and things that just didn't go according to plan. Some days it kind of seems like nothing goes right. Some nights we pray and pray and pray and we end up needing to realize that we can't change God's plan and just need to work to accept it. But we are all so blessed. I am so grateful for the learning, and the closeness to my family, and the increase of Spirit I've been able to feel, rather than resentment or bitterness.

I'm sorry if this has been depressing, or if it has come across as preachy. I'm sorry if I shared too much or too little or if I shouldn't share this at all, but there's no point pretending life is always sunshiney and easy. It's getting through the hard things that make us better.

"No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. Al that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our character, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God." - Orson F. Whitney